One highly-effective way to confuse your audience is to use too many acronyms, especially acronyms they might not know. Skip explaining what they stand for to inspire even more blank stares.
OMG!
I'm LMAO …
ROFL …
So I don't cry
All I want to do is send you a message
I created a DOCX file but I don't know if you'll be able to read it so I saved it as an RTF.
Then I created my email with the WYSIWYG editor, hit send, and then…
Nothing!
My email goes AWOL!
WTF!
I look up the URL for my ISP's Internet support page on the WWW and get in touch with someone named Robert—in Pakistan!
Uh … Yeah … Right!
He tells me to check my POP settings
My SMTP settings
My TCPIP settings
My DNS settings
Nothing!
He asks for my IP address
I've lived in my current house for years!
We update PHP and MySQL on the server
Maybe there's something wrong with my CPU!
Finally, he asks if I can I save my ASCII message on an SD card and send it from somewhere else
YGTBKM!
Thanks, Robert. Time to move on.
Who can I call?
Maybe I'll get some help if I tell the world about my problem
I call CBS, NBC, ABC, BBC, CNN
HBO?
ESPN?
Nobody cares.
Fine. I'm a citizen of the USA. I'll get my representatives in Washington DC to help me…
I call the FBI
The CIA
Nothing!
The DOD and the FDA won't take my call
I decide to skip the IRS
The NSA starts asking all sorts of creepy questions
I hang up on them
They're probably still listening anyway!
The DNC wants to send me a check but they can't
The GOP assures me my problem is a hoax
Is someone in the USSR messing with my email!
OMG!
I go back to my ISP's URL again and open up a chat window.
Now I'm speaking to … an AI!
Artificial? Yes
Intelligent? I don't think so
I want to talk to the CEO!
No
The CFO?
No
The CTO?
No
The CIO?
No
The GM?
No
The HR Department?
No
Is anybody home?
No … I can have support call you back
Do you have an ETA?
No…
I'm gonna write the BBB a hell of a letter…
Oh … wait …
I can't!
WTF!
Now I'm getting hungry
And when I get hungry, I get cranky
I call my BFF and we hop in my SUV
My BFF wants KFC
I don't eat animals! That's just not PC anymore!
BJ's?
No meat!
Sonny's BBQ?
No meat!
I guess we're going to IHOP
Where is it? I'll have to use the GPS
All the way over there? Better use the HOV lane
OMG … My AC just blew up…
And it's hot out!
On the way I find a coffee shop with a drive-through
We pull in and I end up staring at some sort of talking sign
Just what I need—a GUI with a CCTV camera and an RGB monitor in it!
“Can I take your order?”
“Soon please or I'm going to need a glucose IV”
“I'm sorry, can you repeat that order please?”
“Are you ADHD or something?”
“No … sorry … but I couldn't hear you … and FYI I don't have ESP.”
“I'll have the veggie burger please”
“I'm sorry; that item's NA today”
I pull up to the window and realize … I don't have my wallet with me
“You won't accept an IOU will you?”
“Nope”
BRB
ASAP
OMG!
What a bunch of BS!
I'm hot, sweaty, angry, and hungry
I'm gonna end up with PTSD!
Someone give me an AK47 … or some TNT … or an ICBM!
“This day is brought to you by the letters F and Y”
I drive home and make myself a PBJ
Then I type my letter—the one I wanted help with hours ago—into my phone…
And send an SMS message
Dear Audience,
IMO, you have to be a PHD to get anything done today
Every little thing's such a BFD
YMMV, but I'll tell you what the real problem is:
T M A
